From Darkness Into Light
My story begins in 1985, I was a divorced mother of three children, living out on my own with my 3 year old daughter. My two sons chose to live with their dad, at ages 12 and 14, they didn’t want to leave their school or routines. Already feeling like a failure, breaking up a home and family, I was free for the first time in my adult life. You see, I went right from my parents home at age 17 and married my boyfriend, who was the father of my unborn child. We stayed together for 14 years, and I wanted out, saying I wasn’t happy, not in love anymore. My husband was very overbearing and I felt like I was suffocating in a dead marriage. So, I got my divorce, and found an apartment in a nearby town.
At the age of 33, I met a man and we dated for awhile, and I got pregnant. He was also divorced, and coming from a disastrous situation, resulting in an illegitimate daughter, he didn’t want any more children and I already made a mess out of my parenting, So, after asking his opinion, and him saying “It’s up to you, do what you want to do,” I made the decision to abort our child.
I was determined that no one would ever find out about this and it was never talked about again, nobody but he and I and the people at the abortion clinic would ever know. I totally put it out of my mind, I guess you’d call it denial. I went on to marry this man, the father of my aborted child.
Now you would think that an experience like that, you would never want to repeat, but I was right back to the same place I had been, probably about a year later. I guess you stuff the feelings so far out of reach that you forget the pain. After the second abortion, all I can remember is that when I got home, I sobbed in my husbands arms, and all I could say is “I can’t believe that I did it again.” I took all the blame, because my husband would have done anything I wanted him to, but he left the final choice to me. This time, I dug a deep hole, and I buried both the pieces of my heart that died with my babies, and began building a sturdy wall around it, so I could never hurt like that again.
In 1992, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and confessed my sins, even the hidden sins of my abortions. But I didn’t accept his Full Forgiveness and Grace, because I never dealt with those painful places that I kept in the darkness, for no one to see. So Satan had a heyday with that darkness, you see as long as it is a secret, he will use it against you, until you let the light of God’s love shine on it for His healing grace.
It was not until 1999 at a Beth Moore Conference, that I finally laid down the burden and let God begin to heal my broken heart. He led me to a Post-abortion recovery group at The Pregnancy Decision Health Center, and I was finally able to tell my story. It is so freeing to let it all out, the pain, the hurts, the anger, the shame and most of all, the regrets of having done such a thing to my own children.
I took a training course a PDHC, and I am now a HEART leader, showing others how to find the healing they so desperately need, in Christ. I have also participated in a Silent No More Rally at the statehouse, with about 15 other women, sharing our testimonies, and holding a sign that read “I regret my abortion.”
Your story can change a life, it can also save a life. Tell it! Tell others of the aftermath of abortion. If just one person is touched, that is enough, but think what an impact it can have. If we don’t tell, then abortion will keep on killing innocent lives, and maiming women and men forever.
In His Precious Name,
Cathie