I had my abortion May 5, 2004 when I was 19. I had grown up with my grandparents because my mother was only14 when she had me. They had wanted her to get an abortion when she was pregnant with me, but she would not. She has had several abortions since giving birth to me and my brother. When I came to live with my grandparents at the age of four, I called them Mom and Dad. They were the only ones who wanted me. From a very young age, I was told if I ever got pregnant while living in their house, I would have to get an abortion.
When I told my fiancé I thought I might be pregnant, so we bought a pregnancy test which said I was pregnant. Unsure about its accuracy, we decided to wait a couple days to see if I started my period and then seek a second opinion from one of the free clinics. The doctor told me that I was 6.5 weeks along. I was in shock and confused. My fiancé and I talked about it and decided that even though we were young, we would keep the baby because the pregnancy was our fault, and not the baby’s. We decided not to tell our parents because we knew what my parents were going to say. We didn’t know about his.
Everything was fine until I started getting really bad morning sickness. I couldn’t keep anything down not even water or Pedialite. We knew then that we had to tell our parents. I called my mom at work and asked if she could come home from work early because I needed to talk to her. I could tell that she already knew and was just waiting on me to tell her. I told her that was pregnant and she hung up. She came home early and asked what I was going to do. When I told her that we were planning to keep the baby, she said, “Well, if you do that you have to get out of our house. We told you the rules.” I told her that was fine because I was keeping it. After our conversation, she called my boyfriend’s mom who told us that she would support whatever decision we made. I couldn’t believe how different our parents were.
My parents kept asking if I was going to get an abortion. I said no, but my mom told me that if I wanted to live in the house and keep my car then I would have to have the abortion. I was confused and needed my parents to be there to support me not pressure me. The next day she told me to dress comfortably because I was going to the doctor. I had no clue what to think. I called my fiancé and told him what was going on. He started to bawl and begged me not to go through with it. I told him I had no choice.
All the way to the doctor I cried. I couldn’t look at my mom at all. She kept asking if I wanted to know how they were going to do it. Why would I want to know that? I didn’t even want to do it. When we got to the doctor’s office, the counselor asked if I wanted to know what they were going to do. I said no. I was tired of everyone asking me if I wanted to know. I couldn’t stop crying.
When they put me on the table, I said no several times and almost passed out from hysteria. They did it anyway. In the recovery room, the counselor told me to stop crying because I was bothering everyone else who was trying to recover. She told me to massage my stomach and push down to help the pain. When I went home, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was depressed and miserable. My graduation was coming up and my family was supposed to come, but my parents told everyone not to come because they were embarrassed that I had had an abortion. They were embarrassed about something they made me do. I felt betrayed.
To add insult to injury, they kicked me out anyway. I became suicidal and couldn’t leave the house where my fiancé and I were staying. If I saw a pregnant woman or a baby, I would bawl. At times I hoped that they had made a mistake and that I was still pregnant. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. Eventually, my fiancé and I started having problems, but we are trying to work things out. He hates my parents who still believe the abortion was the best thing for me. Even after telling them of the numerous times I tried to kill myself, all they will say is that I will get over it.
I will not ever get over it, but after attending Rachel’s Vineyard I know what I need to do. I need to help others in their time of need and suffering. I feel it’s my calling to help others. Abortion doesn’t just kill the baby; it kills a piece of everyone involved. Even if my parents don’t realize it, the decision they made for me has affected me, my fiancé, and his whole family. Our little girl’s name would have been Samantha Lauren. I talk to her every night. She would have been born in December of 2004. I think about her everyday and use the strength she gives me from heaven to help others.