Two years ago, I had an abortion. Something I am NOT proud of. I took the life of my child. That is something I have to live with everyday for the rest of my life….. I think no women out there that has gone through the same traumatic experience ever forgets… No matter how hard she may try. You can bury it for years, but the pain is still there.
My pain flows through my body over and over again, from the time I get up and even in my dreams. I cannot escape it, it will never leave. The only hope I have is that someday I will see my daughter.
I had a lot of complications with my abortion, they administered RU486 to me, but not telling me I was too far along. Two weeks after I thought the procedure was “medically done” I saw my child, she was stillborn. Something that is so horrifying even for me to speak of today.
I was seventeen when I was pregnant, it was shortly before I graduated from high school that I knew I was pregnant. I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test yet. But the peace I had inside of me was indescribable. My boyfriend (who is now my husband), was scared financially and emotionally. He didn’t want to grow up. He wanted me to have an abortion. I was devastated. I knew that if I had my child she wouldn’t have had all the great things that are offered in life. I worked at a small produce stand, making six dollars an hour. I went to my mother’s home, and had planned to tell her I was pregnant. Before I opened my mouth, she quietly said “Kate, if you have a child with Caleb, I will never help you.” I was broken, I left her home and didn’t return until it was too late….. I believe the Devil coaxed my mother to say that. The next time I returned my mother looked distressed, she sat me down and told me of a dream she had … she had dreamed that I had a little girl she was calling out for my mother, My mother said she saw her, and she long dark hair, and was dressed in white. Swinging on a tree swing laughing and giggling.
My mother asked me if I had something to tell her. I lost it. Ever since the day at the Clinic I have lost apart of my soul.
I knew my child was a little girl, I felt it inside. I had already picked out her name…. Cayleigh Grace. I just know that one day when it is my time I will see her. Until then I believe my calling is to help others in a crisis, there is always another way.
I often speak to Cayleigh, whether I am driving in the car, or taking a shower, whether it might be a beautiful morning or a sunny day. I love my daughter with all of my heart. I will never be complete without her. Nothing will ever fill my void.
My husband now is very closed to the subject he will often shut me down if I bring her up. I know men have a different way of showing their feelings, but I am desperate to try and help someone.
Love in Christ