When I was 13, I got pregnant. For months I didn’t realize anything was wrong because my period was not regular at that time. When I finally went to the doctor, she told me I was 5 months pregnant. My parents convinced me that an abortion was the only answer. Because I was so far along in the pregnancy, I had to fly to Kansas to have the abortion. The procedure took five days.
Every morning my dad drove through the crowd of protesters gathered around the gates as they screamed at me, held signs of dead fetuses, and banged on my window. During the five day procedure my cervix was slowly forced to dilate, which caused the worse cramps I have ever felt. On the fourth day, as I lay on an examination table, my baby began to kick frantically…more than she had ever before. I didn’t realize what was going on, but she knew. The doctor entered with a large needle that he shot into my belly. After that I never felt my baby move again. The next morning I entered a large room with about 5 other women. We were all placed in our own hospital beds and hooked up to an IV that was meant to put us in a “twilight” state of consciousness. Unfortunately, I remember every detail of the experience.
I was freezing, shaking, cramping, and alone. Someone gave me two little pills I thought would make me feel better, but they were to force me into labor. The nurse walked down the baby-killing assembly line to see how dilated we were, and one by one we were taken off in a wheelchair to a separate room. When it was my turn, I was surprised to enter a small room with what seemed to be a toilet. I was told to sit on the toilet, lean on the nurse, and push. So I did. I pushed my dead baby out into a toilet.
After all this trauma, I lay on another examination table waiting for the doctor when one of the nurses placed her hand on my stomach and said with a smile, “Look how skinny you are now.” I just cried.
For weeks after the procedure I was severely depressed. I rarely got out of bed. My body was bleeding and confused because it went through the process of having a baby, however there was no baby to care for.
Eventually I got out of bed, but I battle depression to this day and have been suicidal many times in my life. I abused drugs and alcohol. I was very promiscuous but never enjoyed sex. I had very little self worth and developed bulimia. I hated my parents and rebelled anyway I could.
I have been in therapy since the abortion and within the last couple years I have made a lot of progress. I was caringly persuaded to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat in April 2005. This retreat changed my life because although I had always heard, “God forgives you,” I had never felt His forgiveness. His mercy was falling like rain all around me but I had an umbrella up. The retreat helped me to fold my umbrella and allow myself to become drenched in the forgiveness God had been pouring out all along. Being with the other women helped also, because I saw that they had made the same mistake I did and yet I didn’t condemn them. It made me realize that I needed to stop condemning myself.
People need to know that the babies our country allows to be murdered everyday are not lumps or masses of tissue, but living children with souls and worth. I felt my baby move inside of me; she had a personality, and I left that baby dead in a toilet.
Unfortunately, my story is multiplied day after day, baby after baby. It is absurd to think abortion is a solution to any problem, because the hurt and pain doesn’t end after the baby is gone. I thought I would just get over it…
We are told as women we have a choice, but no one explains what we are choosing. I doubt many would choose to feel the way I have for 10 years, so that is why I am SILENT NO MORE!